Part 1: None of this shit makes sense

None of this shit makes sense

So the manual presents the creation myth of the world as the very first thing. I'm omitting that, because it's a wall of badly written text about "Rothgor the devil-god" or some cliched fantasy shit.

Instead, let's get into the meat of the game - and boy are we going to be disappointed and confused.



Inta Rume the rillow fighter was the most popular character, so off we go on our misadventures into the land of dumb shit. I took the liberty of cropping the provided portrait because I think it's funnier.



The very first thing we see upon loading the game is this fountain of a woman vomiting into her hands. It's an apt metaphor. We are the purple bald lady, by the way.



Suddenly we're approached by an NPC!



There's voice acting. It is incredibly bad.

More notably, Beline here might remind us of a certain... someone.

: Sorry, who are you supposed to be?

She reminds me of Imoen. I think it's the hair color?

: Har har, you are so very droll, Inta Rume. You'd better hope Lord Espen is in as good a humor today. You do know this is the day the lords of Isilbright are visiting? Please, don't answer.

The voice actress is atrocious.

: The lords are already here and waiting to be served. And for goodness' sake, don't forget to gather your things from your chest before you come to table.


We can wander around the courtyard instead of doing the job we're supposedly... are we even paid?



Keep this guy in mind! He's a royal guard who works directly for the king. There's a whole manual entry on the king I'm going to leave for later when he becomes more relevant.



There's also a court mage who's entertaining people by casting spells but yells at us that we have work to do.



There's a whole detachment of royal guards. There are a bunch of generic "guards" as well, but we need to keep this in mind, because it's going to make absolutely no sense in a few minutes.



This is the other feature of the game.



It reminds me I could be reading Jack Vance.

Sir Gavalon: Oh, Nifra! There isn't a lass on this whole estate whose beauty compares with yours! Or, uh, maybe the country... Yeah, I mean in the whole country!

Nifra: That's very kind of you to say, Sir Gavalon. Your self-confidence is impressive!

Sir Gavalon: Listen, my fine Nifra - When I return to the great city of Isilbright, will you accompany me? I vow to treat you like the lady you were never born to be! What is your answer?



I mean, I think this is supposed to be funny?


It doesn't work. There's the obvious missed country matters pun, and I get the humor is supposed to be that Gavalon is obviously bullshitting to get in Nifra's pants, but it's not funny. There's no wit.



Goddamn it, fine, we'll go serve the drinks or whatever.



There's another royal guard in the hallway.



He literally yells "we will crush the rebellion" when you click on him. Spoilers: there's a rebellion.



This guard is low key one of the smartest people in the house.



In fact, the lords are all just down the hall with nothing between them and the royal guard stationed in the hallway. Keep this in mind.



Our chest contains a suit of armor and two swords, which we put on before serving drinks to an important political meeting.



We run with claymore drawn like an old school infinity engine game, because the quirks of the infinity engine are - oh, this game was made in 2021? And there are plenty of other Unity Engine games that don't actually have everyone run around weapons drawn? Huh.





Beline has been helpfully standing right here while all the lords demand drinks. The drinks are literally right behind her. I've cut the screenshots down a bit to make the dialogue more readable, so we've literally delayed the refreshments of an important political meeting for...



A fucking looting tutorial.



I'm not going to show all the text for all the mead and whatnot. All of the nobles are snooty assholes and it literally doesn't matter what you give them.



Yeah, yeah, fuck you.



The game fades out and we get this actually important dialog now.

: Yes, let's. We are convened to discuss the situation with Deron-Guld. What has been rumored and suspected for so long has finally come to pass - a council of nobles with mining interests in the town have declared themselves independent from the crown of Isilmerald.

Fuck this is clunky. "Rumored and suspected"? Passive voice?



That's literally how the Magna Carta got created. Shit, that's how the English Civil War began.

: And there are ways that kingdoms may crumble. I understand your feelings on the matter, Lady Larenthal, but Deron-Guld enjoys the sympathies of many important persons here in the north, and I number myself among them. What's more, there have already been defections among the Isilmerald nobility, most recently Aldnar-

Astute readers may have intuited a problem here.



It's possible to read this as clumsy exposition or Larenthal idiotically trying to get a rise out of the host.



: Why, I will...

: But you won't!

: Whatever the loyalties of, er, the young lord of House Espen, the southern nobles have many legitimate complaints: heavy, some say ruinous, taxation; delayed shipments thanks to the crown's regimen of inspections and checkpoints; the king's insistence that Deron-Guld's military, even the town watch, must be trained in the north. It's quite a lot.

: Yes it's all very sad, and I'm sure they toss and turn the night away on their beds of gold bars. Taxation and bureaucracy are simply the facts of managing a prosperous nation, of keeping our enemies at arm's length. How long would their precious mines keep producing without the king's protection?

Probably pretty long because anyone who conquered the mines would want to, you know, get the minerals. I get what the game is trying to do here. Larenthal is supposed to be the stupid one who's protected from reality by her vast wealth.

: Did you know, I heard this rebellion was prompted in part by a belief making the rounds in Deron-Guld... that the king himself is cursed.

: Hahaha!

: Oh my! What exceptional nonsense.



Before you ask, yes, there is still a wizard outside doing real magic. I do not understand why everyone is laughing at the idea the king might be cursed. This setting has malevolent gods and demons and other nonsense.

: All right, very amusing. But like Lady Virellyn, I am not unsympathetic to our southern friends. Surely some of Isilbright's rules and dictums could be culled, especially if it means avoiding war, a much more costly proposition than losing a handful of coin in taxes.

: Wise counsel, my friend, but I fear the time for compromise is already past. The message from Deron-Guld was deliberately provocative, leaving the king no way to negotiate or save face. The time has come, lords and ladies, for us to commit our forces and our purse to our rightful liege and crush Deron-Guld.

: Or...



Ok. Let's stop here for a moment. I've been emphasizing the layout of the mansion and the meeting for one very important reason.



This isn't just one guy either - I counted at least four Royal Guard NPCs and none of these guys are royalty. There's no indication they might be traitors or in on the plot or any of this - the very first one yells at us that he's here with the full authority of the king.

Nothing about this meeting makes any amount of sense.



I think this is supposed to be a meeting of politically savvy conspirators who are debating whether the king or Deron-Guld has the strongest position, but literally nothing about the situation makes any sense. Why are the royal guard here? None of these idiots has a royal title and they're all addressed as nobility. Is that standard practice by the paranoid king to keep an eye on his nobles?

: You're asking the scullery maid? What does-



Larenthal is of course correct for all the wrong reasons. These idiots are contemplating the kind of treason that gets their estates attaindered to set an example for the rest of the nobles in a situation where the king may very well be tempted to make examples of them to convince any other future Aldnars not to rebel. The less people that know about this the better, but these idiots also invited the royal guard in clear hearing range and loudly discussed going over to the rebels.

Then again, we're a scullery maid who serves drinks in chainmail armor and a claymore. Nothing about this makes sense.

Speaking of Aldnar, somehow he renounced his noble title but is referred to as "the young lord of House Espen". I don't even fucking know.

: Since I have little experience in political matters, for me the wisest course is silence.

: Yes, a wise woman must always be cognizant of her own ignorance. Thank you for reminding us all of that fact, Inta Rume...





: Under attack by whom?



: Did you see anything else? Do we know who leads them?

: That one was far at the back. All I could see of him was his vibrant red hair, like a flame.



: How much time do we have?



Ok I guess they're the Scarlet Chorus or some shit? Somehow these guys were considering launching a rebellion against the king but they have no scouts or manned walls or anything that would prevent a bunch of bad guys from just rolling up out of nowhere and sieging the castle. These people apparently have enough wizards lying around that they can have one doing dumbass tricks to entertain the servants instead of say, using magic to predict danger or anything useful.



...are you guys qualified to be conspirators?



: Calmly, my friends. Let's all go out to meet them. They're not bandits, after all.

I'm very confused. One minute you're supposed to be canny politicians conspiring and now you're all blithering idiots.

: Yes, go ahead. You have my blessing to speak on my behalf if it's of any use.



Lord Espen immediately throws his guests to the fucking wolves. What a hero.

: Inta Rume, come with me! Make haste!




: But what is it, my lord? That sound-

: The main gate has already been breached. The House of Espen is about to fall to the agents of Deron-Guld. Now never mind that, just follow.

I probably already mentioned this place is crawling with guards both mundane and royal, but somehow they were unable to hold "the main gate" and were surprised by an army from nowhere.

: And you, Inta Rume, ready your weapon. With all the time you've spent training under my master of arms, you must be able to defend yourself by now.



A bunch of bad men run into the room and fight Lord Espen, Inta Rume, and a bunch of random guards including some of the royal guard.



This mage shows up and casts a bunch of evil red spells before Inta beats the shit out of him with a claymore.



We have an enrage ability and a trip thing. I cast the enrage and aside from playing a Baldur's Gate style spell chant sound effect it doesn't seem to do anything useful. Oh well.



It's time for some clumsy backstory.



Can you guess where this is going? It's going exactly where you think it's going.

Of course, we don't get to take the intelligent route and connect the dots (the PC is secretly Lord Espen's kid) but we have to act stupid.

: My lord, it sounds like the fight is coming to us. Perhaps we'd best ready ourselves.

: Be quiet I tell you! You never saw her yourself, not that you'd remember, but if you had, she-



: At once, my lord.

: Time is short! Hurry!



A dramatic cutscene begins and we are locked in the dressing room.



The Bad Men enter.



The Bad Man army is divided into distinct divisions who commit different kinds of war crimes. The footmen kill women and the cavalry kill children. The mage cadre creates fake uniforms for false flag attacks, and the medical division encourages public urination.



They kill off all the maids so we know they're extra evil.



: To be betrayed by my own son. Who wouldn't hide from such a terrible end?

That's not a great comeback buddy.

: I've learned a few things you see, things your priests and man-at-arms could never teach. I have gained a new perspective, seen the truth of this world.

We get it, you worship Sata - er, "Rothgor the devil-god" now.

: So you were not even paid in coin to turn traitor against your own house, only pretty words. Kill me if you wish, but I promise it will avail you nothing. Every man pays for his sins, my son, and the price of a sin such as this... well.

: Enough of your piety. It sickens me. But your last decision, at least, is the correct one. Hold still, Father.



No! Not the incompetent father who made us perform menial labor!



We are then knocked out by the power of cutscene as a voice tells us the day's hardships are over.



We are going to be spending lots of time with these loading screens.



: That doesn't make any sense.



: You don't understand, I have to save Lord Espen! There was an attack, and...

: Oh hush, child. There's nothing you can do for him now.

: But no more questions for tonight. There's a cot over there. You should try to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow will be a very, very long day.


That's the opening! It's not good and nothing makes sense. If all these lords are incompetent morons why is Espen hosting them at his estate to discuss treason? If these are all competent schemers shouldn't they realize that they can't negotiate with the invading army? Look, I'm not expecting all characters to make optimal decisions all the time and trying to be a nerdy pendant about how people can't react poorly under stress or whatever, but nothing about this makes any kind of sense. Why are there royal guards posted in the absence of royalty and why is the nobility openly discussing treason in their presence? If the kingdom is preparing for civil war and the estate is crawling with guards how did an army make it past the main gate? Castle gates aren't something you can just throw heavy infantry at and have them break it down with swords, and presumably someone would have seen - or heard - a massive army coming. If Aldnar renounced his birthright to join Deron-Guld why is he still called the "young lord of House Espen"? Now, some of the stupid actions of Aldnar are explained somewhat later - in that he antagonized all the noble families of the idiots at the meeting, who presumably still have money and soldiers - but literally nothing about any of this makes any sense. The worst of that isn't even hard to fix - the game shows an earthquake and the screen shaking when the Deron-Guld army somehow breaks down the main gate, but it never comes out and says something like "wow the evil badman army used devilry" or something. While "it's magic" is always kind of a lazy explanation, this is exactly the time it's appropriate. Aldnar is ranting about worshipping the dark powers, he brought a murderous army to get revenge on his father, it's not hard to fix this scene by having the guard running in shouting about a big demon that broke down the gate or whatever or how the bad guys used devilry to make themselves invisible. This isn't even hard, I came up with it at two in the morning.

Whatever.

Next time: The tutorial in the woods.